Have you ever been in the presence of greatness but realised it too late?
It wasn't util that the person was no longer around that you understood their role and the capacity in which they somehow managed to bring a sense of understanding to every disagreement, sighted the wrongs, spoke truthfully-calling out injustices, and liars trembled in their presence. Their ability to educate and reform without insult or elevated tone was unmatched.
Now that they are gone, you never grasped their purpose, the lessons they taught, which you now try your hardest to honour their legacy by holding onto the nuggets of wisdom they shared as naturally as their smile.
What chaos life is and how tumultuous the days are now in their absence. Darkness seems to overpower what little light remains.
As I stood at my kitchen sink taking advantage of this dizzy-free moment that I was blessed with, I found myself conversing with the Lord. I replayed every day since my birthday in 2020. I relived 152 days in all of 15 minutes. Conversations with patients and nurses, each interaction with the Covid positive patients I had the honour of admitting and caring for, life-saving moments and moments where I wished some patients were able to see more than my masked, gowned stature before their last breath left their body.
I questioned whether or not what I did was enough. When the fatigue persisted and exhaustion became chronic, I wondered did I act in time in regards to my well-being? After having to make so many adjustments to what would be perceived as basic activities of daily living all because of lingering symptoms I questioned God. What is the lesson? How ill am I? Will I be able to run the distances I once did easily without needing a twelve hour nap afterwards just to have enough energy to shower? Are you seeing this? Persistent, continuous dizziness, palpitations at night, chest discomfort and debilitating fatigue after simple activity (I'm talking 3 sets of 10 elastic band horizontal abduction exercises).
When will I get some answers that will prove to my naysayers, that this is not anxiety, and I am not depressed.
It was in this moment my mind was taken to the triumphal entry of Christ, where the Jews were excited that the Messiah came, however they misinterpreted his purpose. They were seeking the Messiah's arrival so that the Roman Empire would be overturn and him to rule. In reality, His coming was to be so much more than a destructor of a present worldly power, but a provider of a wonderful life void of injustices in the future. I wonder if given the chance to be in His physical presence whether or not their focus or ours would be different? Would we be so distracted by the pain we are experiencing now that we want to end, or the promise of living eternally and accepting salvation to ensure we are in the number in the future?
This was my reminder that hurdles are often necessary for God to complete and perfect the good work He began in me and you; I am just to be still, fret not and to daily cast my concerns at His feet.
His descension from royalty to live in sin but not of sin, was so that we would have the perfect example of what it means to daily be in the presence of greatness.
You see, He was always in His father's presence and that made everything He endured "bearable."
That was the reminder I needed. Despite it all, whose presence am I engulfed in? Is it my own self-talk or am I diligently seeking divine guidance?